HeadSpill

What would be your dream Christmas Day TV line up? SFX Blogger extraordinaire John Cooper takes his red felt tip to the festive TV listings mag

Read more: The Sci-Fi Fantasy Christmas Radio Times Wishlist http://www.sfx.co.uk/2010/12/22/the-sci-fi-fantasy-christmas-radio-times-wishlist/#ixzz18pwTZsTX

This summer I spent time on the free trial of World Of Warcraft – and was happy when the whole thing came to and end, such was its easy addiction for my hopeless willpower. Now a greater threat casts its spell across my monitor as Lord Of The Rings Online goes free-to-play…

I love instant mashed potato, but when I buy a little pot snack of dried mash I always end up putting too much water in because the fill level indicator is on the outside of the pot, making the delicious snack all watery and unpalatable. Pot noodle have had the design solution for years where the fill level is part of the design, where the tub goes wider at the top, so it’s obvious on both the inside and the outside where the fill level is, but no one else is doing that.

It’s quite an obvious thing so I can only assume that the pot noodle company have patented the design of the fill level indicator, and in doing so made it more dangerous for everyone as the only way to see the fill level indicator is to hold the pot up to the light, which increases the difficulty of pouring the boiling water in and possibly burning yourself. As pot noodle don’t make instant mashed potato, I think any copyright they have on the fill level indicator should be removed for potato based products so I can enjoy my mashed potato safely.

Get nervous meeting people you admire? John Cooper met Bryan Talbot years ago, very briefly.

I’ve been in Bryan Talbot’s house. More specifically I’ve been politely chased out of his house by the man himself – back in 1998.

Day 33 & 34 - Dublin
On the train to Dublin along the coast. Pounds turn into euros, and my phone signal disappears altogether. As well as that I can’t seem to use my cash card (then realise they aren’t all link machines, doh). Last time I was in Dublin it rained all the time, but today the sun is out. I try to remember how life worked before mobile phones, and use a pay phone to call Mike Landers, Manchester comedy forum patron currently living in Dublin in a converted hotel apartment overlooking Tallaght. His gaff is the nuts, proper nice. With Mike as guide we all go for a pint in Kehoe’s.
The last gig of the tour is the next night at the Sugar Room, my finance’s mum and friend turn up to come and watch and it’s nice to have a familiar face in the crowd for the last gig. It’s an interesting room, like a dinner theatre, and full. I have a solid one and Charlie rips it…and we’re done.  I had envisiged a massive drinking session after the last gig, but it was all very measured, and considering the amount per night over the course of the month, probably just as well. Big hugs all round, and we go our separate ways.

Home
Flew into Manchester Airport. Got a train to Burnage. Walked through Fog Lane Park onto Wilmslow road. Got a bus to Fallowfield. Bought a pie and some bread in Sainsburys. Got a taxi home to Whalley. It made sense at the time.

Went to bed. Goodnight.

Day 25 - Aberystwyth
The final day of the Welsh trilogy takes us to Aberystwyth university, and possibly one of the most gorgeous views on the tour as we decended the steep incline of the A44 and the road - cut into a vally lined with trees opened up, to reveal the rooftops of the whole town in the distance, beyond which was the sea.  At the time of day we entered the sun was low in the sky and reflected across the ocean throwing the rooftops into silhouette which was quite simply breathtaking. Then I crashed the car. No I didn’t.
The University was pretty amazing too. Cream bright walls and Big glass windows looking out onto the sea made it feel like starfleet academy, full of new student in the 2nd week.  The gig didn’t disappoint either, great numbers and they all lapped it up - especially one lad who claimed to have ‘everything’ on his ipod.  A great way to end the Welsh dates, certainly after Brecon. Did I mention I was repeatedly interupted by a kid with downs? I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he shouted out random words - while his friend/carer found more humour in his outbursts than my set. Bless Brecon. Finally got around to doing the interview with Charlie for SFX.

Day 26 - Guildford
Guildford isn’t London, but I think of it as London. From the you-can’t-park-anywhere attitude to the big haired posh woman who after 10 mins of driving round in the chock-a-block car park, stared at me, looked at the car and felt need to comment “That’s an interesting piece of parking!”. I looked at the car. It wasn’t straight, but it was perfectly acceptable. Obviously she didn’t know that I’ve spent the entire month driving and parking and driving and parking and driving and driving and parking and moving and driving and parking and parking. So I didn’t mean to be too aggresive when I dug down deep into my thickest mackem sensibilities and spat out “AYE PET, IT’LL DEE!”.
I got a ticket and decided to re-align the car, not because of anything she said, but out of pure dick-ishness. The second I got into the BMW and reversed a little, two cars appeared. “Oh good, Are you leaving?” quipped a fop from the window of his Audi. “No, I’m not.”.
The gig went ok, quite quiet.

Day 27 - Lincoln
The Theatre Royal in Lincoln was a lovely old place, and the crew were very pleasant. I was knackered so did a lot of sleeping in the dressing room. Over the tour my sleeping pattern has become very irregular. (I’ve just written that as ’speeling pattern’, which sounds a more accurate description.) Lots more sleep of the dreamy imaginary kind, where I think I’ve done something, or been somewhere when I haven’t and vise versa. My phone internet has stopped working, which is interesting as I forked out for the ‘unlimited’ package. Turns out Virgin mobile’s idea of ‘unlimited’ is 1GB, which sounds like a lot but isn’t. One of the features of the phone as sold was the BBCiplayer application, so after two episodes of Merlin and one of Spooks it’s all gone. Boo Hoo - I hate you virgin mobile. Oh no, I’ve fallen asleep with it turned on.

Another quiet gig, but I kick a good bit of energy into them.
A far too brief stop off at home beckons, then off to Ireland.

I’ve been on the road with Charlie Ross for the last month, as the supporting act for his show, living the showbiz lifestyle, eating sandwiches from motorway services, getting lost in the corridors of Premier Inns and forgetting which city I’m in before going on stage. We finally got around to sitting down and chatting about how the show came about.

Day 18 - Bridlington
Down the North East coast to Bridlington and the Spa Pavillion Theatre. I’ve played there a few times before but not the main theatre. The Victoria guest house, actually in hindsight all of Bridlington is geared toward old people, as evidenced by the three shopping scooters in the lounge and the sit-down shower in our room. Navigating around the town is difficult due to the sheer number of old people who have all perfected the art of getting in the way, and parking the scooters in shop doorways. That said its a also a charity shop mecca and has a large branch of Boyes, so you can even buy charity shop clothes 1st hand. I bought a green sleeveless cardigan. Surprise - I bumped into Steve, one of our comedysportz players on his hols, so a welcome lunch passed the time, and a healthy(ish) one too for a change.

Bridlington isn’t a bad place, In fact it was a top night and the numbers in the show were defied by sheer volume and enthusiasm of an audience who really loved me and Charlie. Aftershow we headed back to the guesthouse for a quick drink in the front-room-converted-into-a-bar, then headed out. The landlord tried to convince us the pubs were about to close at half 10, but we knew better. We met up with Pez and Kylie, two lovely lasses who clearly know how to enjoyed themselves and were escorted around the pubs and nightclubs of Bridlington. I danced stupidly with the locals. There is video of this, will try to get it online.

Day 19 & 20 - Nottingham
The Lakeside Theatre was a sold out show and the missus turned up to film it too, so easily the best show yet, and followed by another well earned break which may only seem like days since the last, but touring days are long and transient - I feel like I’ve been doing this for months, not weeks. With some cajoling from the missus we took in the city of Nottingham, then headed out to sherwood forest and saw the major oak where Robin Hood did his banditry -  and we did some archery, which was well cool even though I didn’t hit anything - and the archery bloke said I was one of those funny ‘left handers’.I get an email from Ben - who I’ve not seen since university radio, easily 10 years back - who was at the show and got a massive shock when I walked out on to the stage, so we hooked for drinks and did a great big catch up session. The woman headed off home from her all too brief visit. I haz a sad. I haz a dominos pizza. and a cider. now not so sad.

New Danny Pensive video now up on Facebook

Day 9 - Exeter.
Exeter is a very pleasant place, though the phone masts are all controlled by ninjas who give you a full signal everywhere except under a tree. The Barnfield theatre was very cosy venue and the show went great. Charlie was doing some radio interviews so we trotted off to BBC radio Devon, which was staffed by man running three shows and didn’t even know we were supposed to be there, he let us in then ran off to do his show, his live show, at the same time. If this is the kind of effect BBC cuts are having on local services, it’s a great shame.

Day 10.
I can’t remember day ten.

Day 11 - Newport.
Newport has the second largest tidal range in europe. That means the tide goes really low, but then comes up really high at night like a cold watery surprise. Charlie found some plates in a junk shop match plates he already has, so it going for the set. I bought a pen. The nice techy chap at the venue looked like the man of the go compare advert, but without the wiggly moustache.

Day 12 - Blackpool
I drove the BMW through a busy pedestrian precinct to get to the loading bay parking, possibly one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done in a car in a seaside town on a Sunday. I went looking for a Jacket Potato for lunch while Charlie had a salad. We found a food court in the local shopping centre, but it only sold fish and chips - even the noodle bar. The Blackpool Grand was a huge venue to fill and Blackpool is a very competitive town for shows. Saying that I had a good one and met the show manager, who really enjoyed the show and said the sound guys was laughing too, and if the sound guy is laughing, you know you’re doing something right

Day 13 - Break
Went home to the missus. Washed, re-packed and cooked a fish curry.

Day 14 - Croydon
Oh London, that there London. I was getting to like you but you make it so hard. You’re like a really fit bird in contour pants. From afar you seem really attractive, but then up close its all squashed up rolls of fat packed into a small space, making it impossible to get around you without breaking a sweat and taking ages. Not seen the theatre yet, but a nice man did come and ‘help’ me by telling me to park somewhere else. There is not parking in Croydon. Bring it on.

Here’s an abridged review of the show from the South Wales Post:

“This was a quite extraordinary tour de force by Ross, who used every ounce of energy at his disposal to re-create Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings utilising physical prowess, a multitude of different voices, music and sounds, not one of which emanated from any other source except himself.

Watching Ross going through his paces was simply amazing, and he even had an enraptured response from people who had no idea what he was doing - which is quite a feat.

Ross was supported in the first part of the show by Danny Pensive, a truly inspired comedian in the mode of John Sparkes’ Siadwel character, whom I could quite happily have watched for longer. Why this man is not a household name is beyond me: gloriously deadpan and very funny, he kept the crowd laughing with subjects ranging from Hopi ear candles and inaccurate advertising on TV.”

Day 4 - Great Malvern
“Malvern is full of old people, but they don’t die”, said Bill one of the nice tech crew as we rocked up to Great Malvern Forum Theatre. The older generation dictate the speed of life in Malvern, as exemplified by the equally nice man at the guest house we stayed in who told us loads of information about previous tenants, and the strengh of the wifi signal we could expect from each of the rooms, even though we were only staying in one of them. The main supermarket in Great Malvern is a Waitrose, which kind of tells you what you need to know, on entering it you may take a hand held price scanner around the shop. There is trust in Malvern.
The venue was lovely, and the gig was great, a nice savvy crowd who loved Danny and lapped up Charlie’s show.

Day 5 - Carlisle.
Up the M6 in the sunshine, and a stop off at Tebay services to experience the expensive delights of Westmoorland Farm Shops. I’ll not get a ‘beef growler’ from the deli counter though, am trying to be good.
The Carlisle Sands Centre, a duel purpose venue that is also a sports hall, and big with it. Took a mosey into Carlisle and got in touch with Sarah Ledger, a no-nonsense ex-comic who invited me round for a cuppa. It was great to catch up and chat about old stuff. Charlie really wanted to visit Hadrian’s Wall, we’re back here for Hexham next week, so we’ll do that then.
Tonight’s show was a tough crowd, not hard to please, but hard to keep bouyant - almost like weightlifting - requiring lots of performance heavy lifting to keep them interested. Back down the M6 tomorrow.